Offices in Walnut Creek and Pinole
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The following are warnings signs, also known as "red flags," that indicate that a person or a relationship is at least potentially abusive. Scroll down for descriptions of what these indicators can look like. This list is fairly comprehensive but not definitive, and it is presented in alphabetical order, rather than in order of importance. Anywhere from one to all of these things is something to take seriously.
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• Addiction
• Blames Others for Own Problems
• Controlling Behavior
• Cruelty to Children and Animals
• Forceful about Sex
• History of Abusive Behavior
• Hypersensitivity
• Isolation
• Jealousy
• Jekyll & Hyde
• Quick Involvement
• Rigid Gender Roles
• Striking or Breaking Objects
• Threats of Violence
• Unrealistic Expectations
• Uses Force during an Argument
• Verbally Abusive
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Addiction
Not only does addiction significantly increase the level of instability, stress, and physical danger in a relationship, the substance is the primary relationship, no less destructive than an affair. Ultimately, untreated addictions overwhelm any relationship and undermine true intimacy along with safety.
Blames Others for Own Problems
If
the person who is abusive is chronically unemployed, someone is always
doing them wrong or out to get them. They may mistake and then blame
their partner for upsetting them and keeping them from concentrating on
doing their job. The person who is abusive will find their partner at
fault for anything that goes wrong.
Controlling Behavior
At the onset, the person who is abusive will say that this behavior is because they are concerned for their partner’s safety, their need to use their time well, or their need to make good decisions. The person who is abusive will be angry if their partner is late coming back from the store or an appointment, they will question their partner closely about where they went, whom they talked to. As this behavior gets worse, the person who is abusive may not let their partner make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to faith services, or out with friends. The person who is abusive may keep all the money or even make their partner ask permission to leave the house.
Cruelty to Children or Animals
This
is a person who punishes, is brutal and insensitive to the pain or
suffering of others; they may expect children to be capable of doing
things far beyond their ability (e.g. hits a two year old for wetting
his diaper). They may tease children or younger siblings until they
cry. They may not want to eat at the table with children, or expect
children to stay in their rooms all evening.
Forceful about Sex
Considering sex with their partner to be a right or obligatory, showing
little concern about whether their partner wants to have sex (or a particular kind of sex), becoming angry, sulking, or using guilt to manipulate or coerce a
partner into sex is abusive. They might impose their sexual needs on a
partner when they are asleep, tired, or not feeling well.
History of Abusive Behavior
History
has a way of repeating itself. Immediate differences between your
relationship and what happened in your partner’s previous relationship
can be very misleading. There is cause for concern if your partner
speaks about previous abuse in a way that blames the ex-partner rather
than acknowledging their own wrong-doing or you find out from friends
and relatives that there’s more to the story than your partner is
telling you (another reason not to rush into a relationship).
Hypersensitivity
The
person who is abusive is easily insulted, they claim their feelings are
hurt when they are angry. They take the slightest setback as a personal
attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that have
happened that are really just part of living, like being asked to work
overtime or getting a speeding ticket.
Isolation
The
person who is abusive tries to cut their partner off from all
resources. If their partner is heterosexual and has friends of the
opposite sex or is gay or lesbian and has friends of the same sex, they
are a called a “whore.” If they have close family connections, they are
accused of being “tied to apron strings or childish.” The person who is
abusive accuses people who are part of their partner’s support system
of being “trouble makers.” The person who is abusive may want to live
in the country or without a phone. They may limit their partner’s use
of the car or prevent them from going to work or school.
Jealousy
At
the beginning of a relationship, the person who is abusive will often
say that their jealousy is a sign of love. In fact, jealousy is a sign
of insecurity, possessiveness, and objectification. The person who is
abusive will question their partner about whom they talk to, accuse
them of flirting or be jealous of time they spend with their family,
friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, the person who is
abusive may call their partner frequently during the day or drop by
unexpectedly. The person who is abusive may refuse to let their partner
work for fear they’ll meet someone else, or even engage in strange
behaviors such as checking their partner’s car mileage or asking friend
to watch them, or asking the children to report on them.
Jekyll & Hyde
Many
people are confused by their abusive partner’s sudden changes in mood –
they often describe that one minute they are nice, and the next minute,
they explode…as if they have a mental problem or are “crazy.”
Explosiveness and mood swings are common for people who abuse their
partners. These behaviors may or may not be related to other
characteristics such as hypersensitivity and substance abuse.
Quick Involvement
Many people who were abused dated or knew their partner for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The person who is abusive come on like a whirlwind, “You are the only person I could ever talk to,” “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” The person who is abusive needs someone desperately and will pressure their partner to commit to them.
Rigid Gender Roles
The
abusive partner may expect to be served, for their partner to stay home
and demands compliance, reprimanding their partner for asking any
questions (even if it requires breaking the law). The person who is
behaving abusively may see their partner as inferior, stupid, and
unable to be a complete person with the relationship.
Striking or Breaking Objects
This
behavior might be used as punishment (e.g. breaking something of value
to the partner) but also sends the message that this could be you, thus
intimidating and/or terrifying the partner into submission. Pounding on
a table, punching walls and doors, or throwing objects all are cause
for concern.
Threats of Violence
This
would include any threat of physical force meant to control a partner.
“I’ll kill you,” “I’ll kill you if…,” I’ll break your neck.” A person
saying these things may mistakenly justify their behavior by saying
that everyone says things like that when they’re angry.
Unrealistic Expectations
The person who is abusive is very dependent on their partner for all of their needs – they expect their partner to be the perfect mate, spouse, lover, and/or friend. They will say things like: “if you love me, I am all you need – you are all I need.” Their partner is suppose to take care of everything for them in the home and emotionally.
Uses Force during an Argument
People can be come abusive when they “just want their partner to listen” or to “finish the conversation,” but holding down a partner, restraining them from calling for help, leaving the room, pushing or shoving them all are serious incidents of abuse.
Verbal Abuse
In
addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this
can be experienced when the person who is abusive degrades their
partner, swears at they, or minimizes their accomplishments. The person
who is abusive may tell their partner that they are stupid and unable
to function independently. This can take place with sleep deprivation,
where the person who is being abusive wakes their partner in the middle
of the night to verbally assault them, interrogate them, or undermine
their optimal functioning.
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© 2010 Aaron J. Feldman, LMFT. All rights reserved.
Aaron J. Feldman, LMFT is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist offering individual and couples counseling & psychotherapy. His offices are in Walnut Creek and Pinole, easily accessible from Antioch, Bay Point, Benecia, Clayton, Concord, Crockett, Danville, El Cerrito, Hercules, Lafayette, Martinez, Moraga, Orinda, Pittsburg, Pleasant Hill, Point Richmond, Richmond, Rodeo, San Pablo, and San Ramon. He specialized in working with clients on anger management, high conflict and abusive relationships (including domestic violence), communication, intimacy, and other significant personal and relationship problems.
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