Offices in Walnut Creek and Pinole
Voicemail: 510-986-9836
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How do I get my partner to come in for counseling with or without me?
First of all, you can’t. However, to the reluctant partner, I would say this:
It may be your partner’s idea or comfort zone to pursue therapy, but both partners are responsible for improving the relationship, and the process is likely to be equally challenging (as well as potentially rewarding) for both people.
That said, if your partner is asking you to read this, it is because your relationship is in jeopardy, that you have a role in what’s going wrong, and that you can realistically do something about it. Spouses and partners can be the last to know that their relationship is going badly, and by the time they acknowledge it, it’s often too late. Feeling fed-up, lost, or hopeless is fairly common but requires attention.
People seem to resist asking for help for two reasons. One is that many of us think that there is nothing to learn about how to have safe, productive, fun, and loving intimate relationships. This misconception explains why there is no formal education or training on how to have a relationship. In reality, how we engage in romantic relationships is inherited from our parents and others, as well as from the media. More often than not, these influences are problematic.
A second reason that many people fail to ask for help when they need it is that most of us are heavily invested in being right. This is an unrealistic expectation that is worsened by the notion that asking for help is a sign of weakness. It is worth considering that powerful and effective people succeed when they have adequate support, guidance, and qualified mentors and advisors who will educate, challenge, and broaden what they already know and what they are able to achieve by themselves.
Whether you are in a routine of fighting or of ignoring each other, keep in mind that most relationships end, while many couples that stay together do so unhappily. You can be part of a statistic or you can be proactive in pursuing a more satisfying relationship.
Therapy might be a big step away from the familiar, but it is an opportunity to improve the most significant relationships in your life. Counseling and psychotherapy can empower you to have a more satisfying relationship with your partner, with yourself, and in your experience of the world.
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© 2010 Aaron J. Feldman, LMFT. All rights reserved.
Aaron J. Feldman, LMFT is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist offering individual and couples counseling & psychotherapy. His offices are in Walnut Creek and Pinole, easily accessible to Antioch, Bay Point, Benecia, Clayton, Concord, Crockett, Danville, El Cerrito, Hercules, Lafayette, Martinez, Orinda, Pittsburg, Pleasant Hill, Point Richmond, Richmond, Rodeo, San Pablo, and San Ramon. He specialized in working with clients on anger management, high conflict and abusive relationships (including domestic violence), communication, intimacy, and other significant personal and relationship problems.
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